Dear reader,
I write to you knowing full well that what you are about to read would be absolutely humiliating from a human standpoint. Most people do not tell people where they fall short, but I firmly believe in the family of God, it is necessary to be vulnerable in where you fall short.
That is where I will begin today’s letter, with my fabulous burnout.
Most of you know that I have been working at the hardest job I’ve ever loved for over the past year and a half. My primary role in said job is to take care of, teach, and facilitate teenagers into a positive lifestyle that they had not previously learned from their parents or any other parental figures.
I started working double shifts 7 AM-11 PM every weekend when I first began, but I soon realized that God had clearly stationed me there to be a light in that place and I soon took on a full-time role as a Youth Specialist. Later on, I took on the Teacher role for our school program, and with everything, within me, I brought truth and grace into that place.
The organization itself was built on Christian values, but besides some of the board members being believers Jesus’ name and how He could change your life was not brought up in everyday conversations. The more positive vibes and ‘believe in yourself’ culture was very much what I walked into, which in turn was not very helpful when in reality no one can ever believe in themselves in order to have life change occur.
As soon as I stepped into that place I was set up for failure. So much evil and hurt were contained in such a small building. It was quite literally a battlefield, one that most days I was not prepared to face.
I had poured a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into this job. But, slowly and slowly I saw my heart turn solid. I was acting out of character at work, I would lose my temper frequently, walk away from a kid who desperately needed to talk but didn’t know how, or worst of all some days I stopped caring altogether.
The format in which they would do things would almost contradict everything I tried to do. I would speak the truth, the gospel, the one way to a life worth living, and on the opposite side there would be a whole lot of lies being spoonfed to these kids.
One day before 7:30 in the morning I was already losing my temper with three of the kids so I took them all outside and I laid everything out on the table. I told them that the behavior they were displaying was evil and if they don’t want to change that there is something seriously wrong with their hearts. One expressed remorse but the others did not. I walked away from them, crouched down to the ground, and started praying (Which I was known to do very often when I saw something out of my control)
“God, what am I to do? If I continue to do this day in and out they will feel more hatred from me than love, and I don’t want that.”
“Mitchell you have faithfully served here. Your time is not completed, but you may rest and look for what comes next.”
That day I told my boss that I needed to turn in my keys, I didn’t know when, but I knew that I reached rock bottom and then some. I couldn’t do the job I wanted to do well anymore, I was broken, and shattered, I need my Father to put me back together and to help me want to love the unlovable again.
Word spread fast that day that I was quitting. All the kids started to panic and kept asking me to not go. My answer to them was consistent. “If God wants me to go, it’s my time. My work here is done.”
A lot of tears were shed, a lot of anger expressed, and the kids started to get mad at one another because they wanted to blame someone for my leaving but didn’t want to take any blame for themselves.
Sounds like Adam and Eve huh?
My supervisors pulled me aside after that shift and they told me to not come in the rest of the week, they told me to go rest and not think about work whatsoever.
I left that day so heavy-hearted and defeated. I wanted to just cry over and over, I wanted God to take their hearts and hold them. I wanted them to see Him and know Him and His ways.
But they didn’t want Him. And nothing I could say or do would change that fact.
I fell apart. But that’s exactly where He met me.
He showed me His grace, goodness, and His love for those who don’t love Him back.
I truly believe we all need to fall apart at some point in our life. honestly, we should be falling apart every day in our life. The idea and belief of dying to ourselves, picking up our cross, and following Jesus in our everyday life means to fall apart.
Surrendering every thought and desire to the Lord of our life. Nailing our fleshly desires to the cross that Jesus died on. Truly I say to you falling apart is necessary, just as long as you still cling to the savior who is right by your side.
I was undone for a while. But that’s where God met me, and that’s where we find peace, joy, and hope.
At the end of ourselves.
Until next time,
-Mitchell
